Spirituality Changes

Usually when people first convert to any religion they go through a period where they are very zealous about that religion. They want everyone to know the joy that they have found. They want everyone to convert. They want to share it with everyone. And usually this lasts for awhile.

"How many of the prophets fought (in God's way), and with them (fought) large bands of godly men? But they never lost heart if they met with disaster in God's way, nor did they weaken (in will) nor give in. And God loves those who are firm and steadfast." (Qur'an 3:146).

And then something or someone or somewhere happens and things change. You hit a low point in your spirituality. And some people leave Islam at this point, and some people don't. And I am not going to make a judgment call, because all of that is in Allah's hands.

But if you stick around with anything for any length of time you will start to notice that your participation in it comes and goes. You have periods where it consumes your life and you are thrilled and you want to share it with everyone around you. And then you have periods were you are going along and participating and content. And then you can have low periods, where you have doubts, and you may not participate as much. And this is true of spirituality as well.

When I was a new Muslim I was thrilled and I wanted everyone to convert and I wanted to tell everyone how I felt. And this put a lot of people off. People didn't want to be around me. But it was a thrilling time for me, I loved spending time with other Muslims. I wanted to be around other Muslims all the time.

And then after awhile, I started to notice that many Muslims practice a very "cultural" form of Islam. Which makes sense because you learn what you were taught as a child, but for me I didn't have a culture of Islam, and I felt out of place. And the novelty of being a new Muslim wore off. I didn't like when people would ask me if I knew how to pray, or wanted me to tell my story of how I converted. And I got very annoyed with the community. Obviously, a low point for me.

And then I found other converts like me, and Al-Maghrib classes. Where I was welcomed and treated as an equal, not a novelty. My experience was interesting, but it was not assumed that I didn't know how to pray, my knowledge was recognized. And I felt good. I would say that this was the time during which I was content and participating.

So where am I now? Right now I would say I am on an "upswing". This year has been rough for personal reasons, and I am coming out of some of the "darkness" that I experienced this year. I took some time off from wearing hijab for a little while, but I recently started wearing it again, and I am happy with that decision. I am participating more again.

Or do ye think that ye shall enter the Garden (of bliss) without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? they encountered suffering and adversity, and were so shaken in spirit that even the Apostle and those of faith who were with him cried: "When (will come) the help of God?" Ah! Verily, the help of God is (always) near! (Quran 2:214)

I would say that if you had asked me after I became Muslim if there were every going to be low points, I would have told you nope. But the truth is we all go through ups and downs. Islam is my religion, and I love it. But just because I love it doesn't mean that everything will be perfect. That all of my problems are solved. Spirituality changes with time, as all things do.